Ever since I was a little kid I always wanted and prayed to be a dad, a husband, a provider and protector. As early as I remember I had silly fantasies about saving girls that I had crushes on from fires, bullies and things of that nature always to being the hero and getting the affection of a girl as reward. So innocent and so ignorant towards life and reality. As of today I still have a hard time with these thoughts. Growing up over the years hormones, puberty and the internet fucked everything up for me. These innocent fantasies have become sexual or violent. What once was for love and honor has become vengeful and selfish. I have twisted thoughts of love and relationships now because of a childhood fairy tale thinking and the reality of the loneliness and rejection I have experienced. I still have a heart and spirit to fight for what I believe but it is continuously being beaten down and crushed by my reality. I have prayed for so long to experience a true genuine love, someone to be able to provide for and protect but my prayers have only brought pain and heartache.
I never intended to get this far with pornography, sex, lust or loneliness. All I ever wanted and prayed for were good honest things. I wanted to wait until marriage for that special someone, I wanted to be a provider, I wanted to be a protector, I wanted to be loyal. I wanted to be many things but never given a chance to be that to someone. I have extended my hand and emotions to many girls only to be given lust, dishonesty and betrayal in return.
I remained a virgin until this past year of 2012. 25 years of my existence I have held onto a thought and a hope of something that never came to be. I broke the seal this past December and ended up sleeping with 4 girls within a short period of time. 2 within the first week and another 2 over the next few months. Sex is great for the moment but sex without love is just as meaningless and selfish as masturbating before sleep. Both are as destructive as the other and possibly more when combined. I don't sleep around anymore but I still feel alone with a constant diminishing hope. I have prayed and still pray for good things only to be brought down a path of struggle and loneliness. I am lonely.
I do not understand how God says, "ask and you shall receive" and I pray for things that I feel are good and pure in intent and all I experience in life is grief, heartache, pain and loneliness. I have a hard time trusting in God and hoping and praying for good things when I don't really believe he has good things in store for me. I believe God is real and I have felt his presence in my life because of my struggles. But its hard to have faith when the thing I have been longing and praying for all these years still go unanswered.
Romans 5:3-5 is a very real verse to me because I understand and feel struggle. My personal struggles are not by any means held just to relationships either. I know struggle, I know pain, I know heartache, I know weakness, I know loneliness. Shit I have it tattooed on my body in a pictorial form because it means that much to me. I have persevered and I am continuing to persevere but also I want to be able to experience victory. Jeremiah 29:11 says ," For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I want to believe those words. I don't want to get stuck in this fucked up cycle of struggle and perseverance without ever being able to reap the rewards of hope,character and victory. I want to have a reason to hope, something that gives me a reason to endure and persevere. I need that something that keeps me going in this life yet unfortunately at this time not much does.
Because of my personal struggles I feel a different view on death rather than most. Its not that I'm suicidal although I have been, Its the fact that I long for the day that I no longer have to endure this cursed life I've been given. This struggle and hope that is ever dwindling and teasing me like a man dangling a carrot in front of a donkey just out of reach. Hope is something to me like trying to catch the wind. I can feel it and see its effects but I never can catch it, hold it or grasp it. I feel that my hope and victory is in death. I long for the day when thoughts cease, pain no longer exists, loneliness is gone, all the superficial shit life holds to so dearly becomes meaningless just as the dirt we lay in.
Death may or may not be a long way away. In the bible the book of Ecclesiastes talks about how everything is meaningless and that all we can really do is eat, drink and try to find pleasure in our own toil. So I guess until death brings me peace I will continue to persevere and endure this shit life even in loneliness. I pray that I can understand God more over time and maybe one day I will be able to understand why my childhood prayers are still unanswered and why evil prevails and good hearts remain lonely.
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